SAMARITAN QUICKIE
I did some training to become a volunteer with the Samaritans during 1997, but when the course was finished they rejected me. I found this hurtful and rather depressing. There's a sketch in that, but it's not this one.
‘Samaritan Quickie’ was recorded as a voiceover and played during a scene change in Behind the Furniture. Ann was played by Helen Bright, and I played Sam.
SAMARITAN QUICKIE
[Voices only. A phone rings once.]
ANN: Hello?
SAM: Hello. It's the Samaritans here.
ANN: Ah. Hello. And, er, how can I help you?
SAM: Oh, we just wonderd if you were OK.
ANN: Oh. Well, yes, thanks.
SAM: Good.
ANN: Why do you ask?
SAM: Oh, just... you know. Public service.
ANN: You mean the Samaritans have started ringing people up to ask if they're ok?
SAM: Well, yes. Just in case. You know. You might have been staring at an aspirin bottle, bemoaning a miserable and tragically wasted life and thinking, "If only I had someone to talk to, I wouldn't be forced into doing such a terrible, terrible thing".
ANN: I see.
SAM: So we're phoning. Just on the offchance. We couldn't live with our consciences, otherwise.
ANN: Right.
SAM: But in fact it turns out that you're ok?
ANN: Perfectly fine, thank you.
SAM: No depression, heartbreak or existential angst at the moment.
ANN: No, I really am perfectly happy at the moment.
SAM: Pleased to hear it.
[Pause]ANN: Thank you.
SAM: You're welcome.
[Embarassed pause]ANN: And, er, how are you?
SAM: [sighs] I'm a bit depressed, actually.
[Next sketch]© Philip Purser-Hallard 1997
Other sketches:
- ‘A Scandal in Bohemia’
- ‘I Want to Read My Boucicault (I Want to Read My Book)’
- ‘Trailer’
- ‘A Sketch with a Bishop’
- ‘I'll Have a Double’
- ‘Doreen Wentworth’
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All material © Philip Purser-Hallard 2003 except where otherwise noted, and not to be used without permission.